There is no easy way to approach cheating. Finding out your partner is having an affair
can be traumatic, causing you to look into yourself for answers. Many people believe that you
cannot move past affairs, and that rebuilding trust after cheating is impossible. However,
healthy and honest communication paired with counseling can provide couples with the
resources they need to regain the trust in their relationship. Gottman’s Trust Revival Method
provides couples with 3 important steps they must take to help restore trust and heal their
relationship from infidelity. These steps are: Atone, Attune, and Attach.
Step 1: Atone
In this phase of relationship recovery, the cheating partner must take responsibility for
their actions and display a commitment to regaining their partner’s trust. The cheater must
make amends by owning up to their actions and apologizing to their partner, being sure to
spare any defensiveness. The betrayed partner will want an explanation, therefore, the cheater
must be transparent about what happened, the reasons behind it, and how they want to move
forward. Patience is extremely important in this phase, as it will take time for the betrayed
partner to process their thoughts and emotions. The cheater must also be willing to actively
and constantly offer their partner reassurance and security in the relationship by allowing them
access into all facets of their life. The betrayed partner must also be willing to forgive their
partner and move forward as well. In order to heal the relationship, they must want to stay in it.
Although infidelity can feel relationship-ending, the betrayed partner should be patient and
open to cooperating in order to get the relationship back on track.
Step 2: Attune
Gottman defines attunement as “the desire and the ability to understand and respect
your partner's inner world”. In this phase of relationship recovery, both partners must establish
what needs weren’t getting met, and what their goals are for the new relationship. Then, they
must develop a strategy on how to move forward and fix the issues. Partners will need to focus
their energy on reconnecting and re-lighting the spark by being vulnerable, listening to their
partner, and having healthy conversations about their emotions. Asking each other about your
day, how you’re feeling, and what’s going on in your lives will help make both partners feel
more connected and boost intimacy in the relationship.
Step 3: Attach
The final phase of relationship recovery involves physical intimacy. It is natural for the
betrayed partner to feel resentment, anger, and insecurity when discussing physical intimacy
and sex, which is why having honest conversations about your sex life is important. Rekindling
the physical relationship is usually the most difficult step, but with cooperation and effort from
both partners, it can be done. Both partners should express their desires, feelings, and
attitudes towards sex, and establish any necessary boundaries. The betrayed partner will most
likely be hesitant to rekindle physical intimacy at first, therefore patience is also essential in this
step.(This article was contributed by UCF Clinical Psychology student, Mileydy Morales)
